Take a long dram with me
of California Wine
California Wine
-- The Decemberists

Maybe it's the fact that i never see people these days, and i'm feeling lonely. Maybe it's that my new set of pills is making me cry all the time. Maybe it's that i am fighting off the sense of defeat from running out of money and having to apply for full time jobs again. Maybe it's knowing that I'm running out of money and i NEED a full time job again. Whatever the reason, her heart or her shoes, she stood there on Labor Day's Eve feeling the blues.

Autumn has a sense of nostalgia all on its own. The smell in the air, the feeling of new beginnings, change, as the school year calendar is burned into my brain and flows through my veins. I miss having something new to do in the fall. And maybe that's why i'm applying for a fulltime job. I don't know.

But i do know this: i have learned a lot about myself this summer, things that i'm not sure i would have known if i hadn't attempted to be a fulltime yoga teacher from the get-go:

1. I am not the kind of person who can go long periods of time without knowing where the money is going to come from. It freaks me out, and i'm not OK with it. Read, i need more stability than i thought i did.
2. I still want to feel like i am doing good in the world. I can work at a college, university, non-profit, or some other socially minded company, and still feel like i'm doing good.
3. You don't have to teach yoga full time to teach yoga.
4. I don't want to teach yoga full time unless it's all in the same place. There has been far too much running around like a chicken with my head cut off this summer, and all the travelling is too much for me.
5. I don't need my own schedule as much as i thought i did. All i need is more time off every now and then.
6. I miss people. I'm 50/50 introvert-extrovert, and the introvert's even getting lonely.
7. I miss the basic comforts. Being able to get new clothing when i need it (and i need it, but i can't right now), being able to go out for dinner if i damned well please, and being able to buy a CD. Being able to buy a cup of coffee without feeling guilty about it.
8. It turns out you need money to travel, and i need to travel A LOT. I have the travel bug, and it's going nuts right now.

I have been feeling anxious lately because i am running out of money. And that's not easy. But i still have a small buffer. Fortunately, the folks at FM are kind enough to let me stay there until i can work it all out, or even come on full time again. They're good people, and they want to help me out.

So, wish me well. I'm a basket case right now, but i'm starting to be OK with where i am. I can still teach at Bally's, the Harvard Athletic Centers, and at the Children's Center i've been doing. I can still do those things and have a darned good time teaching yoga.

I wanted to do this all on my own terms, and it turns out, my terms are different than i thought they were.